NHL Hater's Guide to the Season

Dude...

For all of you who aren’t NHL watchers I get it. Maybe you don’t have a team. Or maybe you just don’t want to watch a long season of hoo’s and ha’s during your precious NBA season. But one thing is for certain. You are for sure missing out on one of the most beautiful sports ever invented. The sport combines skill and brute force, which in my opinion is the reason we love football and basketball so much. But nothing beats a bunch of zyn chewing good ol’ boys from the tundra regions to show us how amazing Hockey is. I bet a lot of you sports lovers know less about hockey than T swift fans know about football. These guys are producing more than NBA bench players and getting paid less by a long shot. It’s a game about love and hatred. If you’re a fan, I am sorry.

Ducks:

When you talk about a team who gets rid of all of their prospects let’s talk about the Ducks. Maybe the best Oakland Athletics team in the league. They actually decided to sign some good young talent to, you know, get them on the right track. Troy Terry is a great wing who’s only 26. They also extended Jamie Drysdale and Trevor Zegras to three years. If you’re a Ducks fan, I would be happy if this team is truly making moves to hold down their good players and maybe find a way to build around them to make an interesting run in this year’s season. I like them and you shouldn’t be surprised if you see those ducks winning games. They need a new coach badly but other than that a move with Josh Gibson could turn this team around.

Coyotes:

Why does this team stay in the desert? I know they’ve got young talent but their fan base is nothing and no one wants them there. Basically the opposite of the A’s in baseball, the Owner wants them to stay but the fans want them gone. I’d say this team has the expectations the KC Royals had at the start of the 2023 MLB season. Great young talent and rentals to trade in the middle of the season, but will it prosper? Hopefully it doesn’t end up like the Royals season. The team has little chance to make it to the postseason. Logan Cooley is the Hockey version of Bobby Witt Jr. a complete stud who will have a great season on an inexperienced, non-aspiring team.

Bruins:

If you want a team that plays true to its city it’s the Bruins. They’ve been good for a long time. Heck they were one of the best teams in NHL history last season. Too bad the Panthers made them look silly in the playoffs. This team has the same expectations the Patriots had this year. They lost players and they really think they can be good this season. Those chances of being good are slim. They had a shot last year and they BLEW it.

Sabers:

This is a strange world we're living in where hockey fans are talking about the Sabers having a shot at doing something special. They played well at the end of last season but barely missed the playoffs. They added a lot of depth, especially locking up the great defender Rasmus Dahlin. Owen Power has a 7 year contract and the Sabers are deciding to make the NHL world know that this team wants to break that playoff curse.

Flames:

I’m not here to trash teams but this team is aggravating. Backlund is back, 2 years and named the captain. But this team has a lot of tenure on this squad and hopefully they don’t burn it out in the season (no pun intended). They had a lot of players underperform last season and it could be the start of something devastating in the future years. But hey they’re getting a new arena, now you guys won’t have to worry about relocation.

Canes:

If you want to talk about heartbreak, talk about the Canes final post season series loss. They had their opportunity to win it all. Then they got beat on the head by a crowbar and blew it. They have a shot to go the distance this year. Sebastian Aho is a dude, and their defense is still powerful and they play fundamental hockey, like Golden State. The only problem is they don’t win like the Warriors. Their goalies had a fantastic season this year, but from the looks of it now, that may be the biggest Achilles heel in the entire league. They give up way too many goals, and you can’t win games if the defender you trust the most is letting pucks go through like a whore with her legs open. Do I have hope? Yes, but I don’t trust the goalies in the postseason, and failure to perform when the time is needed seems out of reach for this team.

Blackhawks:

Even if you don’t watch hockey I’m sure you’ve heard about Connor Bedard. The kid was said to be the LeBron James of the draft. Young, and really good at hockey. But if I hear Chicago fans tell me he’s going to be better than Gretzky I may have to direct them to the stat sheet again. Is he the saving grace for this Blackhawks team? No, the team has more problems to deal with. A bad owner and players who kind of skate around and to the hokey pokey then get paid nothing. Chances of the postseason are 1%. But this team could be special in two years!

Avalanche:

Curse of the Avalanche. That’s what I know. The team had some silly stuff happen. If you guys don’t know already hockey players aren’t saints who come marching in. They do a lot of silly stuff, just ask Valeri Nichushkin and Seattle (yes he’s Russian but that’s not the reason why!). They have been without their captain for 2 years, and it felt like a literal avalanche downhill since a lot of goofy stuff happened to this team. They got injured a lot and maybe that was God telling them to stop hitting the DMT and shrooms. They’ll find their hunger to win again, but when? I don’t know for sure.

Blue Jackets:

An Ohio team never knows what really goes on in Ohio. And let me be clear. I don’t know if this team knows what they’re even doing. Mike Babcock (don’t laugh) was hired as the head coach for this team, it looked good but he did some shady crap in the offseason (why do you want to look through players' photos on their phones). The coach didn’t even make it to training camp. The team is young and it possibly was good for the new hire to be fired. Expectations are bad and that’s about how their season will go.

Stars:

Was it the fact you had a fan call a white guy the n word on social media that made people hate you? No but it was a Dallas Stars moment that will live in infamy. Is the team good? I mean they had some very good looking games last post season and made a lot of NHL fans watch their games. Good veteran presence, aspiring youth, and a great fan base. This team is on the right direction. This is the year they break the glass ceiling. Not to mention, their goalie Jake Oettinger doesn’t let anything get past him.

Red Wings:

The real question we have to ask is if this team WANTS to go to the playoffs. It felt like they had so much star power and kind of threw it in the garbage because they play in Detroit. Don’t blame the democrats for the poor city, this team needs some ‘umph to get them to be competitive the entire season. Will their defense become a well-organized motor and will the goalies decide to stay healthy and play well? This can be a good season for this team but they need to stay focused and get to the playoffs first.

Oilers:

Talk about a team that should win but doesn’t. Why you may ask? They have Connor McDavid, Leon Draisaitl, and Evander Kane. THESE ARE VERY GOOD PLAYERS. And Connor McDavid could be the best player in the league. But it always feels like they shoot themselves in the foot every single postseason. Depth may be a factor, but they don’t believe in it. It could be an important factor in the later part of the season but who cares, why not do what you did last year and hope it’s a slam dunk, I’m sure your fans will be nice to you after you lose in the playoffs, AGAIN.

Panthers:

This team made a lot of teams mad last postseason. In all reality, they play very exciting hockey. Unfortunately the price of blood you spilled comes back to bite. Sam Bennett and Aaron Ekblad are injured. This is what you get for taking down two Stanley Cup aspiring teams in the postseason. The beginning of the season will show what this team is made of. Late season runs last only so long, will they make it back to the finals, I don’t know. But they have the talent, once they get it back.

Kings:

This team has talent, YAY. But who are their goalies? Cam Talbot and Phoenix Copley? Might as well put Hasbulla in the net. They have center depth problems but the rebuild has been going on for a while and the FO is hungry to make it to the finals again. I don’t think they will do it but what do I know. LA teams will find a way to sell their soul to get anything.

Wild:

What a great name! But this team has who is on offense? Yeah I don’t care, they may score 100 points total this season. They have a defense but how many 1st round exits can this fanbase can really deal with, they already have the Timberwolves and the Twins to deal with. The team has hopes and dreams but it really doesn’t have the star power to go up against the big dogs in the league. I hope for the best but they don’t really have anything to lose.

Canadians:

A great name. A historic program. Just one problem, they are not good. Carey Price was a stud but he’s not on the team anymore. The Canadians are trying to pick runts out of the litter and hope they can heal and fetch a duck. Is it working? Kind of. You can’t give them too many expectations; they may need a little more time. But this franchise is, again, historic. And greatness needs to be a topic of this team when mentioned in conversation.

Predators:

Koo Koo Ka Choo. Do they have a goalie? Yes they do! It just scares me how he can get injured and ruin the chances of this team going to the playoffs. Score more goals than the other team and you win. It’s not that hard. A new era in the egg man coaching staff could bring this team out of the depths. Ryan O’Reilly is a good player, one that you’d like on your team. Do more with less. That’s the way I like it. Can it be a year for Nashville? I really don’t know. Experiments are happening and we're only here to watch.

Devils:

Frank the Tank knows what teams can really aggravate him. The devils didn’t do badly last season. Heck they made it close with the Hurricanes. I just don’t know exactly if they like the postseason as much as their fans want them to. They are finally out of rebuild mode and can actually do something with their team. Jack Hughes is a franchise center. The team has the depth but they have a tough division. What will Frank do though when they lose to the Islanders again? Don’t ask about their chemistry though.

Islanders:

Talk about a team who scraps its way through the regular season and barely makes it through the final set of the postseason. This team has been doing the same thing the past 4-5 seasons and it works well enough until it’s time to play a good team more than once. Good goalie but I can’t say any more special things about their game.

Rangers:

A true fall from grace team. They managed what they could with replacement players but in reality buying a winning team only goes so far in the NHL. Depth and talent are important things too. I don’t really know if the Rangers care about that though. “Coaching and vets can get them to a Stanley cup”! Just let them keep believing that until New York sinks in its own trash.

Senators:

“Identity, what’s that?" said the Ottawa Senators. Jake Sanderson got some money. But bad luck will always find a team in some way. It hit the Senators last season. Young core we thought could do well got injured and couldn’t show us who they are. I think they can find their promising core but it’ll have to be through this season. Make moves and take advantage, you don’t have the insane roster other teams have to have a couple losses and not be knocked down.

Flyers:

Philly fans finally got their wish. No more half-and- half bull crap anymore. It’s time to show the city it wants to be a part of a winning environment. Here’s the problem. They won’t win. But they’re doing the second best thing, Rebuilding! Long at last the flyers FO finally figured out success can be managed by breaking it up and building it back up. I see this as a win for Philly.

Penguins:

It’s really looking like this team is trying to squeeze every inch of good out of its old core. Crosby is a grandpa at this point. Don’t think this team wants to rebuild, Hextall made sure of it. I really just want to see how far they can go with all the old guys out there looking like an elite beer league hockey team. I like them, but they don’t have the young talent to get them all the way home. It’s a retirement party, but I mean it in a good way.

Sharks:

I’m scared of what the heck this team is trying to do. Did they rebuild? What is their goal? I don’t even know why they’re a team. San Jose? Who put a hockey team here? Realistically, they’re setting up for future playoff failure. California hockey is so weird it makes me vomit. I just hope they can maybe do something crazy this year that has people saying their name.

Blues:

Goal of this year: don’t do what you did last year. It’s a simple concept but when you talk about a team with a funk, this team led by example. Trading away the fan favorite was devastating for blues fans. They have a young core and vets to help develop them. They need to play defense first. If they’re searching for a Stanley Cup with this squad I’d probably tell them they’re smoking a lot of crack. Trading sounds nice but when it all comes crashing down don’t blame the FO. They paid their players, they just are trying to figure out how to play for it.

Kraken:

The honeymoon is coming to an end in Seattle. The team had the expectations they wanted. Playoff victory is sweet but now you have expectations you need to take hold of. If not you’ll be the little brother to the Golden Knights, who have won twice in less than a decade. Time to get into the spirit of NHL freedom. Just don’t break your new fans hearts with a disappointing outcome.

Lightning:

You know this team is still good right? Don’t let a silly playoff team like the Panthers shy away from how dominant they can be. Well that’s all nice and great until their goalie is injured long term. It will be a test for the Lightning, but I have faith they’ll hold the regular season in the palm of their hands and try and get to another Stanley cup before other fan bases start barking at their glorious regime.

Leafs:

No more talk about first round exits. Now we have to talk about if they can make it past the second round. This team has been in the depths of ice hell for a while. Not making a Stanley Cup since the 60’s. This is Canada's team right? I need some more fight out of this organization. What do they need to make it all the way? Austin Matthews got extended, that’s about their only hope for a title under your name.

Canucks:

That’s a shark for all of you who don’t know. Elias Petterson is someone who needs to be signed long term, and soon. He’s the answer you’ve all been asking for. The issue at hand is he doesn’t want to talk about extensions now? Shut up and play hockey? This is still a professional sports team, and money needs to be dealt. I know he has no weapons around him but money should be an important factor when discussing long term goals.

Golden Knights:

Reilly Smith is gone. Boo Hoo I don’t care. Did you forget you just won the Cup? Your team is still there and you still have no fanbase. The only thing you need to not happen is get the injury bug. Other than that your expectations are quite simple. Win as many games as you can, regular and postseason. You have every part of the team to win again, it really comes down to if the down year of former cup winners will hold true to your team.

Capitals:

Maybe some good young players will help. I don’t know exactly how you’re going to maneuver around this old team without a core that’s young, but you can keep trying to do what you’ve been doing. Playoff contention? You know it could be a possibility. But the amount of old guys you got on the squad could ruin that chance if they can’t stay healthy, because we know your young core does not have that dawg inside of them to perform how they’re expected to.

Jets:

I don’t know what you want me to say about this team. They can make a deep run if everything goes right. Sure, let’s see if all of the cows are healthy enough to send off to the slaughter house. The team doesn’t have a way to make a deep run off of mistakes. Which means a need for depth and development could be in the works. I thought they were going to overhaul their team. But they pulled a halfsies on us, full on 2021 Flyers style. From the way I’ve seen it done before, it doesn’t look promising for the Jets.